Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Planning on getting rid of the spiders

For a while now I've been living my odd little existence on Facelessbook and now I'm moving it to a more natural home, here, my blog which is filled with my oddball tales and thoughts; if nothing else it makes for more posts and insights into my eccentric mind, which I'm not sure is a good or bad thing.

So the little tale below is about the constant battles I have with the spiders in my house.
Those regular readers of my Facelessbook witterings will know of my issues with them, of how they rule my fears, pinch my car keys and in one particular case, drink my whiskey, but now I'm here to say the battle has finally gone legal.

Okay, so here's how it happened: out in my back room I have always had spiders webs. I don't mind them out there as they catch a lot of unwanted flies and they don't seem that interested in chasing me around the rest of my property; so as far as you can have a good spider, these are good spiders.

But lately they've been taking liberties.

The little eight legged hairy freaks have started extending their webs, webs that have historically been of a one story structure now have moved into palatial two or tree story web mansions! Some even have car-ports, summer houses and a swimming pool!

I've contacted the council and they've come along to have a look. They've taken copious amounts of notes, had meeting, sub meetings, committee meetings and audit meetings that have gone on into the night. And today I am happy to announce I received their final decision, and this is it:

Whereas they are aware that you don't need planning permission to build a web you do if that web exceeds one whole third of its original structure, and seeing as it has grown, in some cases by over five times, then they (the council) have no option but to order the removal of all illegal sections of the web; to include all out structures, swimming pools, jacuzzi houses saunas and in the case of the seedier parts of my back room; brothels.

I took the order in to show the spiders today with the self satisfied smirk of one who had used the legal system to his advantage. Most of the spiders just scoffed at the legal document while at least three of them took a run at me.

I, naturally, ran off screaming like a big girlie and am now writing this post within the confines on my electric spider fence.

On a further note, I've been asked by someone what kind of spiders they are? I said I wasn't too sure but I had heard the one calling the other Norris if that would help. I've yet to hear back from him

The war continues.


  1. lol. love this. I may just have to include this along with your brabbles chapter in upcoming Woven Tale Press. Can I???

    1. Absolutely you can, I would be delighted if you did.

      Just let me know when and I'll add the details on here for you, Sandra

  2. Karl, Karl, Karl, it's simple. All you need to do is find a housefly big enough to beat up the spiders. Once the housefly gets a bit too big for it's boots you get a very big spider to shut it up. If that takes over the house you get an enormous fly to put it in it's place. Then you'll need a massive spider to control the fly....etc etc. Problem solved! You're lucky you've got me to advise you! That'll be twenty quid please. Kind regards Brian.

    1. Oh I've had plenty of helpful suggestions, one friend from Australia even offered to send over a bird eating spider and now I'm too scared to open the post; mainly because he's more than likely to do it!

      I've been told that conkers are the answer; spiders don't like conkers. Some say its to do with a low level pheromone emissions that is released by them that irritates the spider, personally I think its because they can't get a good swing at their opponents conker without their's getting caught in the web

      Looks like you'll have to try harder for your £20 my friend, but please do keep trying
      All best wishes


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