Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Memories are made of this...

I like to experiment with memory foam mattresses. For example I will often lay in one spot for a length of time then move. A few seconds later I'll move back to roughly the same spot then jump up shouting 

It's a harmless bit of fun but it helps my night go faster, but does raise complaints from the neighbours when I'm still doing it at 3:30 in the morning: I did have a set of memory foam pillows but I forgot where I put them.

But I guess the main reason for this post was I’ve been forced to complain to the manufactures of memory foam mattresses, due to a wholly unacceptable incident that happened a few weeks back. The following is a direct copy of my letter:

Dear Sirs,

Where as I would like to congratulate you whole heartedly on the comfort of the memory foam mattress I recently purchased from Finglebone's Emporium of Sleepy Heads, I would like to bring your attention to the trades description act of 1972 which quite clearly stipulates that a product must do what it says on the tin; and I believe that they actually used the 'tin' analogy in the legislation.

But I digress. My complaint falls mainly on my mattresses inability to 
recognise me. Why only yesterday afternoon I happened to find myself in the bedroom looking for a sock that had mysteriously gotten away from me during a very hectic sandwich making session, when I waved a hearty salutation towards the bed; a bed, I might add that I'd just spent an intimate night with, and it singularly failed to recognise me. I nudged it a few times but it just kept on staring into blank space. I can tell you I felt a right fool.

So in conclusion I would like a full refund or a new mattress; preferably one that has a memory and not, as I suspect is the case with mine, has a bad case of Alzheimer's.

Yours Sincerely

Karl Dixon
C/O The Daisy Hill Funny Farm

They still haven't written back...

Perhaps they forgot


  1. Hi Karl! I'd heard of this problem before. Being the clever chap wot I am, I sent away for a Japanese version. It has much more memory but is so small I can only fit a bit of me on it at any one time. And it got my name wrong. Twice... How are things at the Funny Farm? Kind regards, Brian.

    1. Hi Brian, I've still not heard back off them yet but I suppose a letter written in crayon (as they don't allow us to play with sharp objects here at the Daisy Hill Funny Farm) would be taken very seriously.

      Perhaps you should give me the name of your manufacturer, they won't mind the crayon letters, especially seeing as the crayons were also probably maid in Japan.

      The funny farm is doing well, and flourishing under our new Director, a Mr N. Bonaparte; he looks resplendent in his Tri-corn hat although we can't get him to take his hand out of his jacket

      All best wishes
      Karl (Trustee)


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