Castle comics Pages 9-12

Comrade Sooty

Before reading this tale I feel a few points need to be made. First off, this actually happened a few years ago while I was night portering in a hotel near where I live. Second the mention of 'Sooty' was a glove puppet from the TV of my childhood. The rest is just me being me and just wanting to entertain the hell out of you all. So without any more preamble, Please enjoy.

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At 5:16am and twenty two seconds precisely the phone rang as I was passing the reception of a hotel I was night portering for while I was resting between commissions.

I picked it up and announced my heartiest salutations for the day, and was answered by a crisp German lady.

“Goot Mornink” she began “dis is der Von Applestruddels in room 56 unt ve are haffing trouble mit der television”

“I’m sorry to hear that” I replied, “and what seems to be the problem?”

“It is not doink vot it says unt der tin lid---Perhaps you vill come unt sort it out, ya?”

I agreed and a few minutes later I was heading along the landing that serviced their suite. As I cornered the curve I saw her standing outside her room, looking immaculate

“You vill haf to excuse my appearance” she stated flately “I haf just voken up unt I haf a severe case of der bedroom head”

“It looks lovely” I said in an attempt at conviviality. She harumphed

“Dat is probably because of der BMW hair rollers I put in mine hair last night. Come on in”

She stepped back to allow me access to her room, but before I could place one footstep over the threshold she was speaking:

“Der person you vill find in mine bed---fiddling mit his mini i-pod --- is mine son: Heinrich Von Applestruddle lll, heir to der Applestruddle millions”

I nodded my hellos and he nodded his curtly back, and I swear he clicked his heels together under the bed sheets.

His mother moved with an accuracy and style that demanded admiration and was around the bed, stabbing at the TV remote control within a second.

“It von’t vork. Every time I press der dumkoph button it refuses to do anythink” I took the hand set and looked at the controls, seeing if I could spot anything obvious when she broke the silence:

“Ve vere watching Sooty last night, and it voz vorking zen!”

“Sooty? You like sooty do you?” I said in an attempt at small talk.

“Yes, it is young Heinrich’s favourite programme, unt for der last veek it has been a staple diet unt essential viewing at der Von Applestruddle family Schloss”

I stared at them for a while and young Heinrich stared back, daring me to do something technical in his mother’s presence, when she spoke more:

“In Germany ve are von hour ahead of you.”

At the time I had no idea why she said this; whether it was some thinly veiled slur at how much slower we are than them, or how incompetent this nation is compared to her uber efficient one, but thank god I was still picturing the whole Von Applestruddle family sitting straight backed in their lederhosen and laughing in strict chronological order to the Sooty Show, and not enquiring as to whether that meant they had lost the war a whole hour before we had won it?’

Instead I fiddled a bit more and continued with the small talk.

“I used to like Sooty when I was a child”

“Unt vere vas that?” she replied.

I assumed she meant where was I, and her translation was a bit out, so I answered her by stating ‘in Solihull’

I was met by a host of blank expressions from the Von Applestruddle bed.

“Vere is dis, ‘Sol-e-hull?”

“In the Midlands”

More looks of confusion

“In der English Midlands?” she probed as I moved onto checking to see if the wires were all connected.

“ That’s right” I chirped happily.

“But Sooty isn’t in England”

My head popped up from behind the TV and I cracked it on a wall lamp, knocking a light bulb out.

“Are you sure, I thought Sooty was British”

“Nien, Sooty is Russian”

“He is?!” I said with genuine concern, “Well that explains why he never spoke English” and I went about fiddling with more wires thinking that Sooty was probably the first ever eastern block immigrant.

“Nien, Sooty has always been in Russia, ever since der beginink of time”

That statement stopped me messing with the scart lead completely and I turned to face them, ready to argue history and epoch theories.

“I don’t think so, I’d say 1960’s---1950’s tops, but not since the dawn of time, and anyway, I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs came first, if they didn’t I’m almost positive David Attenborough would have said something by now”

There was a brief period where they studied me like I was an idiot (Ha! Like they’re the first ones to give me that particular look), so I carried on hitting random buttons on the remote control when suddenly the TV burst into life.

“That’s it, that’s it!!” they said, clapping their hands with glee, “It’s sooty”

I turned slowly to look at the TV and there I saw---not a subversive commie glove puppet spy from the old Soviet Union--- but someone skiing down-hill while been heavily commentated upon. The light bulb went on, I handed them the remote control and said

“Ah, Sothi---the winter Olympics”

They in turn looked at me “That’s what ve haf been sayink. Sooty”

I smiled and left the room and as I closed the door I’m pretty sure young Von Applestruddle lll muttered a Dumkoph or two before going back to fiddling with his mini i-pod, while mother Applestruddle blared out the German national anthem in a bass tenor that just sounded all wrong.

For more silly stories and true(ish) tales click on the short story archive above and sample a whole new world of silliness

Laugh Lines 4

Laugh Lines is available for syndication. If you are an editor, looking for an across the board comic feature, then please contact me via my 'contact me' page to discuss prices.

If you are a reader that would like to see Laugh Lines published in your local paper, then please send your newspaper's editor a letter saying so and send him or her a link to this blog.

If you just enjoy what I do, then keep on coming back for more of the same silliness.

Thank you

PS, come back on Wednesday for another of my true(ish) short stories from the archives of my odd, odd little life

Castle Comics Page 8

Hey guess what? It's Friday and here's the Friday post. On Friday. Which is kinda on the day it was supposed to be posted. Result! I shall endeavour to keep this up.
Anyway, here's Snobby Hood as he attempts to get past Little John on that log, again.

Rugby Prints for sale

(A section of my latest watercolour painting 'Injury Time')

Something I've been producing in the background, and extra to the Laugh Lines, Castle Comics, the comic strip packages for the US syndicates, the Sleepy Hamlet Novels; Big Ol' Bear children's books and all manner of other things, are these sporting prints.

Some of you will remember a tutorial I did a few weeks back where I described the process of a watercolour cartoon painting.

Well further to that picture and extra to the two others I produced on the same rugby theme, I have created another; this one is titled 'Injury Time' and will, like all of the others, be available as prints very soon from my store.

The reason for the paintings is that an art gallery kindly asked me to produce some cartoons for the Rugby world cup later on this month to bring attention to their shop and my art.

I gladly accepted the offer and got to work. When the gallery posted samples of my first painting, titled 'the Friendly' (the subject of the above mentioned tutorial) they had over 4'000 likes, which was a fantastic response.

I am now looking to be contacting various rugby clubs and possibly the national side to see if I can produce calenders for their fans. I will also be producing the initial set as greeting cards, more of which I will tell you as and when they get posted.

I will not be limiting my paintings to just rugby. I will be looking to producing Rallying, Fishing, Golf and humorous DIY, pubs and an exciting project I really can't wait to start which will be all about the British eccentricities; more of which I will let you know about at a later date.

But for now I will leave you with a photo of the full image of 'Injury Time'

Cheers for now

Laugh Lines 3

Here's Mondays instalment of 'Laugh Lines' on Tuesday, just to show I'n not a conformist kinda guy!
Either that or I got my calendar wires crossed again...which let's face it is probably what happened.

Laugh Lines is available for syndication. If you are an editor, looking for an across the board comic feature, then please contact me via my 'contact me' page to discuss prices.

If you are a reader that would like to see Laugh Lines published in your local paper, then please send your newspaper's editor a letter saying so and send him or her a link to this blog.

If you just enjoy what I do, then keep on coming back for more of the same silliness.

Also, come back on Wednesday when I'll be posting about my latest set of Rugby Sporting prints that I'll soon be offering for sale via this site. So if this is your thing then make a note in your diary or subscribe to my site and have the posts emailed directly to you.

Thank you

Castle Comics Page 7

Sorry for the delay. Not my fault this time. The internet was down all day and has just come back on at 2am and here I am posting it for you. How's that for dedication!?

Anyway, here it is, the latest two pages from my Castle comics. This time involving two travelling pilgrims, on their way to visit the shrines..all of them.

Just as an extra point. When I sold the Castle Comics books into Bath&Wells Cathedral gift shop, they loved these two characters so much they actually created a meal named after them and put it on their menu.

And finally, finally, don't forget to come back on Monday for more of my Laugh Lines. See you then.

Enjoy